Since 2009, I’ve been writing about all the ups and downs of my journey to financial independence, the good and the bad. What I can say unequivocally is that your life partner is one of the most important variables in achieving financial freedom. Get that right, and everything else becomes easy. Get it wrong, and no amount of net worth will save you.
I met my wife in college at the College of William and Mary when we both had no money. We’ve been through everything together as a couple, always having each other’s backs.
In 2008, during the global financial crisis, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I left my job in 2012 and he left his in 2015, and for a short time, a golden window, we were free together. It was fun.
Then in 2017, we were gifted with both great joy and great hardship with the arrival of our son. Suddenly, the energy we once poured into each other was almost redirected to keeping the little person alive. The freedom we had carefully built together evaporated overnight.
We came out little by little, and then we had our daughter in 2019. Lots of fun, just in time for COVID to make full-time parenting even more difficult. We hired an au pair who was wonderful. Then he went about his life like people do.
Divorce After Children Is An Understandable, Sad Thing
Before I became a father, it was always surprising that parents separated their children at a young age. Given how long it takes to plan, conceive and give birth to a child, you’d think that taking it out until the age of 18 would be the default.
But now, nine years into raising two children, I completely understand why couples break up after having children. The amount of energy and time it takes to grow them is amazing.
And inevitably, both parents end up feeling unappreciated, neglected, and invisible, not because their partner has stopped caring, but because every last drop of care is given to the children. After enough years of feeling invisible, separating and finding happiness elsewhere starts to feel less like giving up and more like survival.
I’ve been a stay-at-home dad since both kids were born, taking it as my main job for five years of their lives, with Financial Samurai, podcasting, and writing books being the mainstays.
This means long days. I usually get up before 5am to write and respond to students, then spend the rest of the day with the kids when they are home schooling. Then once school started, it was drop-off, pick-up, Father’s Day weekend camp, homework, dinner, bath time, and bed time. Repeat.
I love being a father because I feel useful. Funny conversations in the car are great. Walking hand in hand with them to the school lobby and giving them big hugs and kisses every morning is still my favorite part of any day. I wouldn’t trade.
But I must be honest about what I have been saying for years. I have felt unappreciated for a long time, and that feeling has grown. Unfortunately, the gift of freedom can be taken for granted.
Interestingly, I have begun to find inspiration from working fathers who grind 50 to 60 hours a week at the office, come home tired, and are often gone, leaving their partners to hold everything together. If they can happily make things work, maybe I should change my ways.
I Want to Be a Normal Dad Sometimes
Of the ten fathers I surveyed for how many days they traveled to work last year, the average was 40 days. As a result, I have made it one of my New Year’s resolutions to travel alone for at least 20 days this year, as long as I am the financial provider.
I’ve been away from my family for exactly eleven days since 2017, and that was flying back to see my parents during COVID and my dad’s 80th birthday surprise, which was priceless. So I see, going half the days my father does in my peer group seems more than reasonable.
I’m a little jealous of working fathers. The type that flies to New York for a conference, calls a ribeye at Peter Luger’s on their company card, has too many glasses of Caymus, parties until 1 am, and stays up until 8 am in a quiet hotel room with no one needing anything from them.
The kind that comes home after four days and is treated like a returning hero just for walking in the door with a bag from the airport gift shop. Their wives and partners don’t seem to care at all. And I’m impressed that they don’t.
Ironically, the more consistently you appear, the more invisible you become. For my wife, my presence almost every day is just the beginning. It’s Tuesday. Of course he is. What can I thank someone for on Tuesday?
It’s Hard Being a Mother
He also has his frustrations, which are completely true.
She manages the household chores, the babysitting stuff, the kids’ laundry, the organizing, the organizing, and she doesn’t feel like I see it all. Recently, she’s taking online classes to become a preschool teacher, and actually works part-time for $24/hour.
You are right. I don’t or don’t always see everything he does and I need to do a better job.
We are both tired. We both do our best and feel like it’s not enough. But no one really cares because we chose to be parents and we need to deal with it the way we should deal with it.
When two tired lovers stop seeing each other, the distance becomes quieter. And then one day it feels invincible.
And so, we made a decision.
Time to Go Our Separate Ways
We both turned to AI as a neutral sounding board to help us sort things out. And after many long discussions, both of us and our robotic therapist, we came to the same conclusion.
It was time to part ways.
My wife takes the children to see her parents in Virginia and West Virginia. Our children have been blind for years, and are not well enough to fly to visit us in San Francisco, despite paying their own travel expenses.
I briefly floated the idea of stopping by Williamsburg to show the kids our old college grounds. It would be fun to recreate images from when we were broke at 22 years old not knowing what was coming. This proposal was not received with enthusiasm due to time constraints. His mother’s place in Virginia and his father’s house in the woods.
And me? Left alone in San Francisco with no wife, no kids, and no agenda, I decided to go where I was loved unconditionally and not judged for anything.
I booked a flight to Honolulu to see my parents.
I briefly considered being brave and spending 11 or 12 days backpacking through Vietnam and Thailand, traveling digitally, finding myself on a beach in Southeast Asia. I have been dreaming about this goal for over ten years.
Well, I looked at the plane stuff, then I got lazy. I decided that spending time with my parents was a responsible decision. I also have a long list of questions I want to ask them while I still can. There are a few household items that need fixing as well.
So I’ll be there with my accessories, take myself out to dinner, and try to remember what it was like to be a human child instead of everything human.
That’s right, you got me. Happy April 1st!
We are not getting divorced. Not yet at least. But I want you to dwell on how easy it is to believe, because that discomfort is entirely the point. Having children will test your relationship a lot. Planning your finances well in advance is important.
The feelings are real though. Burnout is inevitable, while the appreciation gap can grow. The loneliness of being a parent who is always visible and still feels invisible is real. If you nod to any of them, you’re not alone, and you’re not a bad partner. You are just a tired person who needs to rest.
Here’s what no one puts on a spreadsheet ORALLY: you can increase your safe withdrawal rate to a decimal point and ignore your marriage. You can retire early, be home every day, and somehow still feel like a ghost in your house. The most difficult calculations in personal finance may have nothing to do with money.
Talk to your colleagues today and recognize their efforts. Laugh at something silly. Go on a date and order a ribeye and celebrate over too many glasses of wine. Remember that the two of you come before the kids, the mortgage, the portfolio, and the stress that person buried under the mountain of Tuesday.
My wife and I should be fine. Besides, we only have 12 years until our youngest leaves the nest. But in the meantime, if anyone wants to take me out for steak in Honolulu or rub your cheeks with me on the beach, just leave a note.
I’ll be with my parents in Honolulu from April 2nd to April 10th, when I check the red-eye home in time to pick up my wife and kids on April 11th. Because that’s what dads do.
Readers, why do you think so many parents divorce after having children? And what’s one thing that has really helped you and your partner feel more valued when you’re both tired and running on empty?
Related posts:
Financial Dependency Is Bad: Why It’s Important to Have Separate Bank Accounts
How To Prevent Divorce From Ruining Your Retirement
Divorce After Children: Try Bird Nesting for More Stability
The Cost of Raising Multiple Children Is Not Just Money
Suggestions for Parents
If you have debts and children, get long term life insurance. For a long time my wife and I had different rules, which made no sense given our situation. After closing compare 20 year term policies through Policygeniuswe finally felt comfortable knowing that our children would be taken care of no matter what.
As the stock market falls, reviewing your finances with a professional is more important than ever. Here it is My experience with Epower professional review my portfolio to help protect it from falling. Get involved with my link and I’ll send you a signed copy of my USA Today newsletter, Millionaire Milestones. Instructions are in the linked post.
