The app of tea and we are dating the same person: The new dating court

If you’ve spent more than five minutes in modern understanding, you’ve probably heard whispers about Are we dating the same person? Facebook groups. Open only women who have to pass vetting checks are imported, they are meant to share information about the men they love. Now, new platforms are similar Tea – An application where women can anonymously import and update male reviews, verify identity with photo checks, and use background searches – turning the search for spray networks into something cheap, highly searchable, and endless.

Tea has exploded in popularity, climbing to the top of the Apple App store charts and reportedly hitting over four million users. But its rapid rise has been framed by controversy, including two major security breaches and recent news that the app has been removed by Apple from the app store in all markets.

These groups were put together as a form of protection, where women could warn other women of toxic or dangerous behavior, or were used to send warnings about men they were dating. Women upload pictures of men they see and ask: “Anyone else you’re dating?” Comments flood in, sometimes revealing patterns of plagiarism or serious crime. Sometimes, the complaints are more in the respect of a bad relationship, such as “He didn’t go back.”

Scrolling through social media, it’s not uncommon to see screenshots of messaging app dating or Tiktokkers live – navigating their lives. Dating has moved out of the private sphere, ending up being a public trial.

I can’t help it, are these platforms making dating safer, or are they making us all more dangerous?

So, let’s take it to court (figuratively, not literally).

This is the case

LaLaletmeExplainTheir relationship teacher spent years on the frontline of dating talk, said groups formed out of necessity. “They were meant to be safe spaces built around sisterhood and solidarity. They are there to stop men from harming women,” he explained. “And in many ways, that’s exactly what they are.”

You’ve seen unopened posts received by men who were secretly dating multiple women, men accused of sexual assault, and even one man who was caught trying to hook up with a 15-year-old. He says: “These groups have truly protected people. “They have protected women from fraud, from abuse, from men who could harm them greatly.”

Groups are rigorously tested. Entry requires vetting, rules prohibit pictures on the programs of anything you see in the group, and members who violate privacy are banned. That structure creates a sense of security, especially for women who have experienced the pain of dating. It also takes community. “You will see women giving each other very good advice,” said Lalala. “They can remind women who feel unworthy that they are truly single, there is nothing wrong with them. Sometimes these groups make even women feel happy.”

And they are simple, save time. Instead of spending months finding out if someone is trustworthy, you can send a picture of a man and find out in hours if six other women are dating him. In a world where dating often feels like a chore, that speed can be intense.

Men’s dating coach David’s rooms you see that attraction. He says: “We have lost the sense of a close community where you can find people. “In the past you would meet them through friends, work, or church. One can show them more. That’s pretty much over now. Everyone is a stranger.” In his opinion, the premise of these groups – Protecting women – is completely effective. “Male misbehavior is a big part of why these groups exist. Anything with a good idea will be open to abuse as it grows, but for the most part, it serves a purpose.”

The case against it

But good intentions don’t mean no collateral damage.

These groups were not selected by trained professionals. A man might be labeled a “red flag” because he took too long to respond to a text or didn’t want a second date. Lalala says she has seen “bad advice” and “inappropriate questions” being posted. “People don’t always stay consistent. If this could be little quirks, or little red flags?” Lalala adds: “Some tall woman’s ex posted a comment about her that followed. That wasn’t her truth. But it was a narrative.”

He also saw racist and abusive language, homophobia, and misogyny in some groups. He says: “I’ve seen black men talk about the ways they really do it. And while the goal is safety, sometimes the result is the difference.

Posts are suggested by composition. They trust the feelings and interpretations of the woman who sent them, and people can be dirty, emotional or vindictive. Lalala says: “I have seen men who are falsely accused of marriage or serious crimes. Showing the good wisdom of dating with abusive behavior can be seen as serious when they feel that they are in danger. Media Lawyer Mark Steshens says, “If someone is identified, the spaces can be polluted. I’ve seen rich men use laws to silence allegations, even if they were true. “If it’s too expensive.”

Whether a man is looking to sue for freedom, invasion of privacy or harassment, it is rarely cost effective. “The Act is a strange instrument,” Stephens said. “It’s much better to deal with these things more. But that’s not easy when there’s suspicion.”

The rooms reveal that people post behavior that is like powerful communication without context. “Maybe that person was on to something. Maybe they were actually a good communicator who didn’t meet that expectation or grow. But the judgment is ours

He warns these posts can even encourage paranoia. “Anxious people can rely on their own judgment, usually because they’ve been hurt. They want other people’s opinions, but that can make them feel more insecure than that.”

So while groups aim to protect women, they can breed fear, dysfunction, and mistrust.

Gate proof

So what is the way forward?

Stephens believes we need clear lines between criminal behavior and what he calls “morally good behavior” — essentially, the victimization of people for having a bad day. “There’s a big difference between a crime, where there’s a public interest in being exposed, and just bad behavior. The effect of consulting those two is not effective.”

Forests agreed. “If I was in love, I wouldn’t worry about being sent, I believe I behave honestly,” she said. “But I can still be misrepresented. These platforms don’t respond to growth or context. They live people in the larger story of someone else’s story.”

Even Lalalala, seeing their value, thinks there needs to be stronger Guardrali. “If this is about sharing information about men, then women donors need to be exposed as well. And it should be the red flags – not just the person who is beautiful.”

The decision

As a person, it’s hard not to feel conflicted about all of this.

I felt bad at times when I fell in love with him. I went through a period of my life where dating felt a lot and I decided to take a step back, without proper communication. If I had been sent to one of these teams at the time, it might have looked devastating. But it wouldn’t be the perfect story. People are complicated. We make mistakes.

I have heard stories of women revealing medical information in these groups, revealing the fact that their partner has chlamydia, their deep distribution.

And yet, I cannot ignore that these groups exist because men cause real harm. Men do (and do) cheat, lie, beat, and cheat. Women deserve to be protected from that.

The concern is what happens next. When reputation is on trial in real time, judged by an alien prison, the discovery of the material as the truth. The trust between men and women is felt to be very weak, and the presence of these groups is only available when it will make a lot of cuts.

We should be building systems to protect people from real harm, not platforms that invite them to carry every past or bad experience as evidence. Dating will always carry risk, but if every misstep becomes a public trial in the court of public opinion, we move away from responding to Paranoia – and in the end that means that men and women will return to complete understanding.